


Pewter's Resolution

by Sickle5



Category: AI: The Somnium Files (Video Game)
Genre: First Person, Gay Character, Guilt, M/M, Major Spoilers, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sickle5/pseuds/Sickle5
Summary: Pewter reflects on the events of AI the Somnium Files in a stream of consciousness
Relationships: Okiura Renju/Pewter | Amanoma Futa
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Pewter's Resolution

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! Massive spoilers for AI!
> 
> From Pewter's Journal dated December 31st 2019

As I sit here in prison on this day, this December 31st of 2019, many prisoners around me and cops keep talking about how, not only this year is over but this decade is over.

Oh it certainly feels like it’s over. But that’s not all that is over.

My life is over.

My tears are long dried but I can’t even quantify my feelings that occurred this past Novemeber.

I lost my job, I lost my friends’ trust, but most importantly,

I lost Renju.

And Nothing but Renju on this Earth matters.

If Renju was alive at least I’d have something, an anchor, someone besides Boss to visit me.

But Renju is gone.

That man, Saito not murdered him, but he tricked me into betraying everyone.

  
The worst part?

If Renju actually asked me I know I’d do it all again.

Prison is supposed to rehabilitate, instead all I’m realizing is that I am not that good of a person.

I applied to ABIS in an attempt to do what is right, I made AIBA in an attempt to aid Date, someone I viewed as a friend. Long term, I was hoping to use the Wadjet System to help the entire world.

But if someone that sounds like the man I love gives me a call and asks me to betray everyone? It’s all over.

The thing is, that’s not even the worst part.

Betraying everyone and losing my job at ABIS? If Renju was still alive then at least I’d have something.

But Renju is gone, and nothing will change that.

Not the starring at the ceiling many long nights begging every god I know of to bring him back, not going to sleep wishing it was all a nightmare that I finally would wake up from, not even my death.

Cause Renju was still gone.

I don’t even know if he’d approve of me anymore if I’m being honest.

I certainly don’t approve me.

Renju may have had questionable dealings in the past, but betraying his friends? That was something Renju would never do.

I will never forget him telling me about Manka in tears that night. He woke up screaming her name one night, with a look of pure horror on his face. Then he saw the look of concern I had and told me about Saito.

Oh I wish I told you about the cyclops killing then.

If he didn’t make me swear not to tell anyone about Manaka, I would have stormed in to Boss’s office and put more charges on Rohan’s sentence, so that monster would never get out.

Instead, I never told Renju about the cyclops serial killings, I know he trusted me enough to tell me about Manka, but what Saito did later in life wasn’t my secret to keep, I was ordered to not tell anyone, to protect Date, and to protect So, even if So didn’t deserve protection.

But, later that month a solution presented itself. Rohan had killed himself, which also meant the death of Saito.

It was over, The man that killed Manka was dead. I debated even telling Renju he’d be at peace, but then I’d have explaining to do. But I wouldn’t need to tell Renju about what happened 6 years ago if Saito was dead. I also didn’t want to ruin his friendship with Date, a man that unknowingly was in the body of Saito. Renju kept enough secrets, I didn’t want to burden him with another, especially with one from his best friend who he trusted with his daughter more then himself.

But what if I had told him? Would he be alive right now? Would he have had enough forewarning to survive?  
  


What if I did tell Boss, would she have been able to do anything?

Should I have broken protocol and told Date? Aiba would be able to help him through. No, no I don’t know how Date would have reacted then, and it may have backfired.

I don’t know what I should have done. I don’t know and I never will know. I never can know no matter how much my brain will force me to rewatch all my memories in my mind again and again and again and…. WHY CAN’T I STOP!? I CAN INVENT EYEBALLS THAT CAN CALCULATE THE PROBABITY OF BULLETS, CREATE DEVICES THAT CAN LET YOU WALK IN ANOTHER’S DREAMS BUT MY EMOTIONS CAN NOT AND WILL NOT BEND!

Who needs them. Who needs emotions.

Renju I’m sorry. I loved you, and I failed you.

Saito killed you as he killed Manka. The worst part is it’s my fault. If I never invented Psync, this would never have happened. Then your killer wouldn’t have defiled your body and convinced me to do things you would never have wanted.

You’d be alive Renju, producing videos with Iris, with your biggest concern being was Mizki doing all right, and how awful was Shoko that particular week?

I wish I could have done anything different. Anything at all.

I don’t even have Aiba in prison to help me calculate what actions I could have taken to get me to the reality where you lived.

Aiba would know. I know she would.

That brings me to what I have resolved to do. What I will do to save you Renju. I am now recalling a theory of mine that I have had for a while. Lately it has been poping up in my mind again, and again.

The ability to send one’s memories back in time, and change reality.

I will try. I don’t know if it’s possible, I’d need more data that I no longer have acess to, but hypothecially Wadjet might make sending memories back possible perhaps even consiousness which would be defined as Time Travel. I know how it sounds. While I have never been able to prove it because the heads of ABIS banned me from investigating the probabilties of it, I have seen some evidence of it’s existence in analyzing AIBA and Date. There is some strange signatures around Date, especially in this last case. He may not even realize it but I think his memories travelled in time, to aid him in alternate realities.

I was not able to investigate further. I was too woried, I saw how it was affecting Date, and Renju was involved in the case.

But it doesn’t matter, not anymore. I have forsaken everyone and Renju died as I result of my actions.

Renju wherever you are, I know for certain you would not approve of me now. But if it means you survive, then I will do everything possible.

Because without you, what am I anymore?

I can’t do this anymore. One month without you has been living hell. I can only stare at the ceiling so many nights wishing the bricks were aligned properly in an attempt to distract myself.

The only other alternative I can possibly take is uploading myself to Wadjet.

Making my consiousness becomes a part of it.

There is some comfort in this, the emotions and the pain will be gone.

But then what am I?  
  


A husk, a shell of what I was.

  
But worse, you are certainly gone then.

All the joy and pain I feel when thinking back to you, would be gone.

The first time you made me laugh, the first time you invited me over and I was nervous wreck and you just grabbed me and kissed me, the time you told me about Manka. All the times you broke down talking to me about Mizuki and Shoko, wanting the best for Mizuki but thinking you weren’t the best for her.

The look on your face when I gave you that watch.

I would think back and feel nothing. Then you would truly be dead.

So I will save you. I will break whatever laws of physics and universes I have to, until I find the reality where you are alive.


End file.
